Smoke filled air filtered in and out of my nose as I lay in my hospital bed looking at this new person Dustin and I created. For the first time in 10 months, I took a deep breath and with it came relief. It wasn’t the instant love of this new human that you hear about that brought a smile to face, it was the realization I had not lost myself. Moreover, I finally had my body all to myself again. I could paint a flowery picture for you about how I felt overwhelming love and now had a purpose to my life, but that would be a flat out lie. My happy moment when Drake came was knowing I could still be me and a mom too. My biggest fear during my pregnancy, and my reason for not being thrilled about the new addition, was that my life was over. I would change and become one of those unbearable people whose entire life was consumed with his/her child. Don’t get me wrong, I love my little guy, but I also still have things I want to accomplish. I still want my life and my hobbies – I am so happy that I think I can still do that. Don’t get me wrong, these first two months I have been a prisoner to mommyhood, but things are getting better. He’s gaining weight, milk supply issues are being addressed and I see light at the end of the tunnel.
Much like the forest will regrow in the High Park burn area, I will regrow too. At the heart of it, I will be much the same as I was before, but there is a new addition, some new growth so to speak. The fire was a horrible calamity, but the thought of all the new healthy growth really spoke to me about myself and my new life as a mom. As for this summer, I had to forego it to be a parent. However, I haven’t lost next summer, my career goals or my sense of self. Just like the burn area hasn’t lost its essence. Drake’s here, and he is awesome, but I am also back to feeling like myself again.