Smoke filled air filtered in and out of my nose as I lay in my hospital bed looking at this new person Dustin and I created.  For the first time in 10 months, I took a deep breath and with it came relief.  It wasn’t the instant love of this new human that you hear about that brought a smile to face, it was the realization I had not lost myself.  Moreover, I finally had my body all to myself again.  I could paint a flowery picture for you about how I felt overwhelming love and now had a purpose to my life, but that would be a flat out lie.  My happy moment when Drake came was knowing I could still be me and a mom too.  My biggest fear during my pregnancy, and my reason for not being thrilled about the new addition, was that my life was over.  I would change and become one of those unbearable people whose entire life was consumed with his/her child.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my little guy, but I also still have things I want to accomplish.  I still want my life and my hobbies – I am so happy that I think I can still do that.  Don’t get me wrong, these first two months I have been a prisoner to mommyhood, but things are getting better.  He’s gaining weight, milk supply issues are being addressed and I see light at the end of the tunnel.

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Much like the forest will regrow in the High Park burn area, I will regrow too.  At the heart of it, I will be much the same as I was before, but there is a new addition, some new growth so to speak.  The fire was a horrible calamity, but the thought of all the new healthy growth really spoke to me about myself and my new life as a mom.  As for this summer, I had to forego it to be a parent.  However, I haven’t lost next summer, my career goals or my sense of self.  Just like the burn area hasn’t lost its essence.  Drake’s here, and he is awesome, but I am also back to feeling like myself again. 

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– Stephanie

Written by Stephanie Mullins

28 Comments

Steve Zakur

Congratulations! The bad news is your life will never be the same. The good news is your life will never be the same. Our oldest critter is 16. His younger brother is 13. They're nothing like me. Or Ann. But they're friggin' awesome. Yours will be too.

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Midgeman

Getting cuter by the day! This little guy is going to bring bright spots into your world that you can't even imagine yet!

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Howard Levett

Stephanie it is so good to "hear" your voice again and the little guy is adorable. I see a new type of backpack in your future if not already. Welcome back.

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THE RIVER DAMSEL

Welcome back Steph!! Glad to see the write up… You will always be one to fulfill your ambitions and dreams. I have no doubt about it! Drake is so darn cute… Glad to see that you are getting back to your old self ~

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Angela

You've addressed my fears of possible motherhood exactly, and it's good to know motherhood doesn't have to mean a total loss of an old life.

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Kim Ashurst

Congratulations, Stephanie and Dustin! Your life WILL change, but for the better. You'll see old, familiar things in a new way through new eyes, as he discovers the world around him. Cherish each moment, because they pass much too quickly. Very happy for you.

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Stephanie and Dustin

Thanks, Glynn. I got a lot of flack for my feelings during my pregnancy, but at least I was honest about how I felt. It wasn't the peaches and cream experience that society likes to paint for us. I thought I should share the not so peachy side. I know I am not the only woman out there that had feelings like these!

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Stephanie and Dustin

It has meant a loss of life for these first few months, but things are becoming a bit routine. I start more classes in September, and really am looking forward to resuming life as it was. I know it won't be the same as it was before, but it will be pretty darn close with a cute little addition. I knew I was not the only one who had these fears – I am glad I could relay my experience to you.

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Aaron

on’t get me wrong, these first two months I have been a prisoner to mommyhood, but things are getting better. He’s gaining weight, milk supply issues are being addressed and I see light at the end of the tunnel.

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